The Three Stages of Trust for Survivors of Abuse and Toxic Communities
Trust is a big issue for most abuse and/or cult survivors and, rightly so. For many of us, we have been betrayed and lied to about ourselves, our leaders, and even the world at large.
Here are the three stages of trust I have identified to help you understand what you and your loved ones may be experiencing.
𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞 # 𝟏
𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞. 𝘛𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘵. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦 (𝘧𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘺, 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴, 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘴, 𝘦𝘵𝘤.). 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘢𝘵.
𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞 #𝟐
𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘧-𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦. 𝘈𝘯𝘥, 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘤 𝘪𝘯𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘴 (𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘺, 𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘮, 𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺 𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘵𝘴, 𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴, 𝘦𝘵𝘤.). 𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐨 𝐨𝐧𝐞. 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘴.
𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞 #𝟑
𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟. 𝘓𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰/𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵. 𝘈𝘯𝘥, 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧.
Survivors often pass through stages of trust in their healing journey and can even circle back around to different stages at different points in their life.
Even though stages one and two can, at times, be very painful and uncomfortable, it is essential to remember that each stage of trust is a valuable and useful tool.
For instance, children usually begin in stage one. It is entirely normal and natural for children to fully trust the adults in their life because they are not yet prepared to take care of themselves. Adults in stage one may be enacting a useful coping mechanism to survive within a particular system they are living in.
Stage two is valuable because this is the stage a person is reevaluating their belief system. It’s the testing stage where a person is collecting data points so they can later become more self-reliant. Because you are rethinking everything, it can feel like the world is caving in on you, but eventually, learning to live with uncertainty and exploration becomes the new normal.
While ultimately, stage three is the goal, it is best not to rush stage two because you will be learning essential skills to help you further trust your own sense of intuition and logic.