Marriage Doesn't Have To Be Hard. I know, Because Mine is Easy!
I believe a lot of Christian teachers have over-compensated in their messages about marriage. What may have started as an attempt to correct the "perfect-Disney-marriage" narrative has morphed into teaching people that marriage will be hard and that we should expect difficulty.
Tim Keller infamously said, "Marriage is the Mack truck driving through your life, revealing your flaws and humbling your reactions."
Quite honestly Keller and teachers like him, who view marriage as characteristically painful, disturb me.
My husband and I are both human and far from perfect, but "difficult," "hard," or "frustrating" is never how we would describe our marriage. And, I certainly would not liken our relationship to being run over by a Mack truck!
Will and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. In that time, past trauma has resurfaced, money challenges have arisen, I left a cult, Will's best friend passed away one month after our wedding, we had massive theology and ideology shifts, we have very different personalities, and we have moved three times!
Despite those challenges, many of which are ranked as the top stressors for relationships, neither of us has ever described our relationship as "hard." Will and I have spoken on many occasions about how baffled we are when people assume a problematic relationship is "normal".
It's not that we don't have different opinions sometimes. We do, but we have good communication skills to talk through our differences, and we are always centered on love and empathy. We have an equal partnership, so nobody is trying to assert their authority. And, we both try to lay down our preferences for the other whenever we can.
The hardest relationship I've ever had is with myself. I've had to seriously work on me, and Will has had to work on himself so our relationship together could be so easy.
Here’s the thing, we refuse to project our own baggage on the other person, even if we are triggered by the other person's non-malevolent words or actions. We have chosen to take radical responsibility for our own feelings, beliefs, responses, and actions. We have built trust between the two of us to a point where we know the other person never intends harm. Because of this offenses can be covered over by love or rationally discussed. We do the hard work on ourselves so our relationship together can be fun and enjoyable.
My fear is when we don't tell people that relationships can honestly be amazing, they will settle for less than amazing. When we tell people that relationships are always hard, people will more easily assume that abuse, toxicity, and miserable marriages are just "typical hard relationship stuff."
If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship please know it is not on you to fix this. It is not your fault your partner is treating your poorly and these general relationship tips do NOT apply to your situation. Please click the "Neep Help" tab at the top of this website for a list of resources to help your situation.
If you are not sure if your relationship is abusive I invite you to download my free ebook "5 Signs of a Toxic Relationship" to find out.
If your relationship is hard right now but you're 100% sure abuse is NOT in the picture I want to encourage you that an easy relationship might very well be possible for your future.
Creating an easy relationship means both people have high-quality communication skills, both work on personal development, both are introspective, both are willing to admit when wrong, there is natural chemistry and compatibility, and you are both dedicated to making marriage easy for the other person.
If any of the above pieces are missing, you won't have an easy relationship. The good news is with relationship therapy and dedicated effort a relationship can become easy when the elements above are learned and then implemented by both partners.